(Shinobi) Assassination Classroom
by CelibateHero
Summary: Life became normal (and boring) for Naruto as he watched ninjas and the concept of chakra become no more than myths. Until the moon exploded and a tentacled, octopus-like thing became Class 3-E's homeroom teacher. It wasn't exactly Naruto's fault that he ended up becoming the creature's assistant... assassination was a ninja's specialty, after all.


**AN: **Assassination Classroom is just too good. Gonna say it outright – if you're looking for details on how Naruto defeated Madara and Obito, what happened after the war, or anything like that, prepare to be disappointed, because this will be more of a humor fic than an action one. It'll be about Naruto interacting with Class 3-E and Korosensei, not about how he lived until now and things. I may put a glimpse sometimes, but I don't think I'll ever focus on it.

Will have hints of crack just as Assassination Classroom. Come on, chapter 22 has a character saying 'Takebayashi, do you seriously want that to be your first line in this manga'?  
**XxX**

It was a good day to be in Japan.

The weather was surprisingly good, the sun was shining, bird were chirping, it was just the right temperature and the wind was no more than a refreshing breeze during the whole day.

Sadly, all good things come to an end, and during the night the temperature became close to freezing. Instead of a breeze, there wasn't any wind at all. Sitting in the chair he had bought for the balcony of his apartment, a blonde-haired and blue-eyed man turned another page of the book he was reading. He wore a simple button-down shirt with blue stripes and slacks, and didn't seem to show any reaction to the cold, if the way he was nonchalantly sitting outside of his house in the freezing temperature was anything.

Said man was Naruto Uzumaki, former ninja of the Leaf and hero of the 4th Ninja World War. Those were once his titles, but these days he was just known as 'the vagabond who lives in the top floor'.

By his neighbors, at least.

After managing to defeat Madara and Obito, Naruto had travelled around the Nations for quite a bit of time, visiting villages and what-not. If he stayed in the Leaf for ever, who knows what would have happened with the recently-adquired peace between all the main villages. So he travelled, and as everyone around him aged and started families, he slowly noticed he wasn't aging – at all – and after a bit of reflecting, he discovered the reason: a combination of his Uzumaki genes and Kurama's regeneration properties.

As he discovered through his mother, Kushina, Uzumaki didn't have a bloodline per say, but they weren't exactly generic. They had bigger chakra reserves, an affinity to sealing techniques, and more importantly than anything, more longevity. His mother _was _the only Jinchuuriki that survived the extraction of a beast off her body, after all. Coupled with Kurama's regeneration, which if he had a say in it, was his own now (after so much time sealed in his gut, Kurama's chakra slowly fused with his own, and bam, his chakra had the same properties as the fox's), Naruto had become the closest thing any being could become to an immortal.

It was difficult to see all his friends wither away and die, but he held himself strong and decided that if he sulked and became depressed, he'd be stepping on all the bonds he had made through his life journey. So he focused on making even more bonds, never stopping and becoming depressed over the death of his friends. People would die, but the bonds would never be broken. So he'd just remember them dearly as he made more.

Back to everything after the war, Naruto got out of the Elemental Nations as the concept of 'ninjas' slowly disappeared, chakra and the whole history of the Villages disappeared all together, the former becoming no more than a myth. At least it helped the blonde, his name not being recognized anywhere as time passed and he travelled all around the world. He had settled in the place they called 'Japan' some time ago, doing odd jobs such as tutoring, cooking and even working in an office.

Yay for shadow clones.

He had a few fighting apprentices over the years, the last one being Karasuma Tadaomi. He was a government worker associated with the Ministry of Defense now, and still kept in touch. _'What a good kid.' _Naruto shuddered as the last word. While he was pretty freaking old already, he still liked to think he was in his twenties. He had the appearance of someone with that age, at least.

Putting a bookmark on the page he was reading, Naruto closed the book and began to stargaze. Until he noticed something. _'Wait, what was that just flashing on the moon's surface right now-'_

Before he could continue and explore that train of thought, the moon exploded.

Naruto raised an eyebrow at the now permanently crescent moon. _'There's something wrong with that.' _He puts his hand on his chin as his eyes twinkle. _'Someone did something flashier than me! Blasphemy!'_

**XxX A Few Days Later**

Snoring was the only sound in a room with not a lot of furniture except a king-size bed, a cupboard and a cabinet. A blanket covered whoever was currently sleeping on the bed, and as rays of sunlight slowly began creeping through the blinds covering the room's sole window, a phone on top of the cupboard began ringing.

Groans were heard before an arm shot out from under the blanket, tapping the top of the cupboard until it touched the cellphone, then grabbing it and pulling it to under the covers. After a few seconds, the ringing stops and a voice is heard speaking as quietly as it can, though a bit groggily.

"Karasuma?"

"_Naruto._" The voice paused before continuing. "_Were you sleeping?_"

Naruto pulled the blanket down, revealing his shirtless form as he put an arm over his eyes, the other holding his cellphone to his ear. "You already know the answer to that question. Why are you calling me so early? I know you don't sleep anymore since getting that fancy job, but I thought you knew I sleep until noon everyday."

"_Yes, I know you're lazy. I need your help with something, though. It's serious." _

Naruto's expression became more serious, and he sat up, his back against the bed's headboard. "... I understand. We'll meet up at the usual place then?"

"_Actually... do you know of a place called Kunugigaoka Junior High School?"_

The blonde raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, that fancy school. What about it?"

"_Meet me at the entrance of the main building, tomorrow at 8 a.m. Goodbye, Naruto."_

"W-wait, 8 a.m? T-that's too ear-" The ninja then heard beeping, so he resigned himself to cursing Karasuma in his mind. That little bastard. _'I have taught him well.'_

Preparing himself to lay down and sleep again, he was surprised the blanket was suddenly pulled down on the other side of the bed, showing a redhead woman with a seductive smirk on her face. The generous assets shown by her also shirtless form also helped with the whole 'seductive' part of... well, everything. It was after a second of staring at her brea- face that he knew what had happened last night. "So, stud, ready for another round?"

Naruto's face lacked an expression before he grinned at the woman. "You bet."

**XxX The Day After**

_'Ah, yesterday was certainly interesting.' _ Naruto checked his coat's pockets for a random slip of paper. '_I wonder if I have her number somewhere, she was at least an eight out of ten...' _

Karasuma interrupted Naruto's thinking time, though. "What are you looking for, Naruto?" He looked back at the blonde before looking forward again. The two had been going up the mountainside for quite some time, and the black-haired man still hadn't explained why they were here. "Couldn't you have put some better clothes, by the way?"

Naruto's eyes widened comically at the much younger man, before he began grumbling about Karasuma's fancy clothes. Naruto was currently wearing a simple black haori over an orange button-down shirt (Karasuma had given up on making Naruto stop wearing orange a long time ago), with simple black jeans and boots. Karasuma wore a sophisticated suit and dress shoes, an indication of his position as a government worker, and had black spiky hair with black eyes. It wasn't as spikier as Naruto's, but he had his own style.

"I should probably begin explaining why I called you here..." Karasuma said, his blonde companion not saying anything and just looking expectantly at the black-haired man. "I'll assume you have read the news about what happened with the moon."

Naruto smiled, reminiscing. "That was pretty cool, I saw it live."

A tick mark appeared on Karasuma's forehead, but he continued talking. "Continuing... the thing is, the creature that caused that occurrence... we made a deal with it, after it said it was going to destroy the earth just like he did with the moon in one year. He'll become the homeroom teacher of the Class 3-E, and we may try to kill him any time. I already talked with the students, and told them they have to slay their teacher for the hefty sum of 10 billion yen. But they're not the only ones that can get the bounty."

"So... you're bringing me to the class to kill him?"

"... more or less." Karasuma answered after a pause. "We'll already be hiring proper hitmans in the future. But I know from experience that you're skilled in the arts of killing in general, so I made some negotiations with the manager... and now you're the creature's assistant teacher."

Naruto hummed as they approached a run-down school building. "I don't have a deadline, do I?"

The black-haired man glared at the blonde as the former opened the building's door. "What exactly are you planning?"

"Nothing, really." Closing his eyes, Naruto followed Karasuma down a corridor, soon enough finding himself in front of a lone door with '3-E' on it. Grasping the handle, the soon-to-be assistant teacher slowly opened the door, expecting big-breasted schoolgirls... and coming face-to-face with a light green-skinned octopi-resembling _thing _with tentacles, small eyes and the creepiest smile Naruto had ever seen.

Well, maybe second creepiest. _'Oh kami, what have I gotten myself into.'_

**XxX  
****AN:** Dunno if I'll manage to make this story entertaining for everyone, but I surely hope so. Most chapters will chapters of 1k to 2k words, since if I made every chapter 10k I would probably reach the actual manga chapter in 2 or 3 story chapters. :I

If you liked this chapter, please leave a review! If you didn't, thanks for reading anyway. \o/


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